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Two losses in a short span put the same question front and center. A longtime client’s wife passed from an aggressive breast cancer; she was only 56. Around the same time, another client’s son entered hospice in his late sixties after leukemia that had been dormant for years suddenly turned aggressive. In each case, the advisor faced the moment every one of us dreads and few of us are trained for: What do you actually do for a client who is walking through grief?
The reflexive answer is to offer a sympathetic ear: “I’m so sorry. Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” This response is kind, and it is sincere — but it is passive. It places the burden on the grieving client to figure out what they need, put it into words, and come back to you. And it leaves your real value — your financial expertise — sitting on the table at the very moment it could do the most good.
The alternative is to be proactive by helping a grieving client name and address the financial concerns that loss creates, without ever rushing them. Doing that well takes two things: an understanding of how grief actually unfolds and a deliberate process for the conversation itself.
Understand the Grief Before You Touch the Finances
Grief runs on its own timeline. For the loss of a spouse, that process commonly takes about two years, and it tends to move through five stages:
- Shock: The initial numbness, when the world goes flat and unreal.
- Denial: A protective refusal to accept the loss, which buys the mind time.
- Acceptance: The reality finally lands — often where the deepest pain arrives.
- Adaptation: The client begins rebuilding a life around the absence.
- Continuation: Life resumes its forward motion — changed, but functioning again.
Knowing where a client sits on this arc tells you how to proceed. It also prepares you for reaction formation — the tendency, under grief, for people to react negatively toward others in an expression of the stress they are under.
The client who insists early on that they’re fine may be the one who most needs a patient, steadying hand. Anticipating that keeps you from taking their comments at face value.
A 5-Step Process
When you sit down with a bereaved client, replace the vague offer of assistance with a deliberate sequence. It should move from pure presence toward practical help — but only at the client’s pace.
- Listen: Let the client talk without interruption. Most people in grief crave someone who will listen. Being that person is the foundation for everything that follows.
- Empathize: Share a relevant story — your own or another client’s — to build connection. Empathy isn’t announcing that you understand; it’s showing someone that you’ve stood somewhere near where they stand now.
- Ask directly: At the right moment, ask plainly: “What are you concerned about financially right now?” This gives the client permission to express their money fears out loud.
- Prime the pump: If the question draws a blank — and it often will — offer examples. “Some people worry about life insurance, or a child’s college, or the loss of income.” You’re not selling anything; you’re handing the person language for anxieties they haven’t yet put into words.
- Recap and trial close: Summarize the concerns you heard so the client knows you truly listened. Then offer a direction: “If we could sit down when you’re ready, would that be a good direction to go?” This hands control back to them while making clear you’ll be there when they turn to face the issue.
From Lending an Ear to Expertise
The whole shift is captured in the distance between those two responses. “Let me know if you need anything” is a door left open and then forgotten. The five-step process is you walking through it — gently, on the client’s timeline — to bring the one thing you’re uniquely equipped to offer.
Handled with patience and an understanding of where a client is in their grief, the process turns a passive expression of sympathy into real help through one of the hardest financial passages a person will ever face.
Read more by Kerry Johnson:
Kerry Johnson, MBA, PhD is the best-selling author of 18 books including the upcoming “Resilience: How faith and science can help you bounce forward”. He is a practice management coach and speaks at financial planning conferences around the world.
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Advisor Perspectives welcomes guest contributions. The views presented here do not necessarily represent those of Advisor Perspectives.